Never first never loved
by DreamerJMLH
Summary: After the ball of Klaus s family, Damon goes to Elena, instead of the grill. He tells her about his past and why he thinks, he ll always be alone and never loved. Can she prove to him, he s wrong?


I don´t own the Vampire Diaries, all rights go to the owners of the TV-Show

This is a story in which Damon tells Elena about his past, most of it about his childhood.

Hope you like it

xoxo

* * *

Elena was in the bathroom getting ready for bed. She was tired, that day, a lot has happened. They have been at the ball from Klaus's family. Damon had told her, that he loved her. When she thought about her reply a cold shiver ran over her back. She regretted the words, the second they came over her lips. Elena closed her eyes and saw the scene again.

"Now you´re mad at me for including Stefan?", Elena asked him angrily.

"No, I´m mad at you because I love you", Damon replied.

"Well maybe that´s the problem", she said. She regretted it honestly. A part in her broke when he saw, his face and his eyes, all emotions washed away and filled with anger. She wanted to apologize and tell him, that it came out wrong. But the damage was done.

She has tried to call him a hundred times, but he didn´t answer. She saw his face again, and decided to talk to him tomorrow. She laid the toothbrush back and went inside her bedroom. There she saw him, sitting on her bed, with an emotionless face and a bottle of bourbon. He was still dressed in his suit and looked broken and drunk.

"Damon…"

"Elena…"

"Listen, what I said tonight, it was wrong, I didn´t meant what I…"

"No I get it Elena … It´s always gonna be Stefan right … that´s what my life is made of … always the second choice", he said and took another sip from the bottle before he continued taling.

"Never first never loved …", he said with a bitter laugh.

Elena just wanted to hug him, she wanted to comfort him. He hasn´t seen this side of Damon very often, but he looked more wrecked then he did when they found out, that Katherine has never been in the tomb.

"No Damon, listen I care about you just not …"

"Oh stop it, I´m used to that. First him, then Katherine and now you. I will always be the second one, no matter what", and with those words, he disappeared out of her window.

Elena was confused. She knew about Katherine and that she had told Damon, that she never loved him. And she also admitted that she wasn´t better. She was just like her doppelgänger. But who did he mean with him? She was sure, that she was going to talk to him, the next day.

The next morning she got up, got dressed and drove straight to the boarding house. Her thoughts were all about Damon. She was so sorry and worried about him. Elena hoped, that Stefan wouldn´t open the door. She didn´t want to deal with him too.

She drove the way up to the manor and knocked on the door. A sudden answer came and she was relieved, that the door was opened by Damon.

"What?", he asked. Elena shivered at the coldness in his voice.

"I want to talk to you, please."

"If it has to be … come in."

They went inside and Elena sat onto the couch, while he filled himself a glass of bourbon. He didn´t look as bad as he did yesterday, but also not as he did normally. He sat down on the chair next to the couch.

"So, what do you want to talk about? And if it´s about my visit yesterday, I shouldn´t have done that, but well you know … was it that?"

"Listen Damon, yesterday you said you would always be the second choice. And I´m really sorry about it and I know, I behaved like Katherine. But I was angry and it came out wrong. I really am sorry. Your love for me isn´t …"

"Oh save it Elena, we both know, that´s exactly what you meant. So why are you really here?"

"Damon, I´m really sorry. But you are right, there´s something else. You said you would always be the second choice first him, then Katherine and now me. I know about Katherine, but who did you mean with him?"

"I shouldn´t have said that. That is none of your business."

"Damon, please …"

Elena didn´t want to give up. She thought about many possibilities maybe he meant Stefan or someone else she didn´t know. But she at least wanted to help him.

"Alright, but if I tell you that story, you´ll have to promise me, that you don´t tell anyone. Neither Stefan nor someone else."

"I promise."

"Alright. Has Stefan ever told you about our father?"

She shivered as it brought back the memories, about, how Damon told her what has really happened after they have been turned. "I just know from you, that he killed both of you when you were human and that Stefan killed him during his transition."

Damon laughed bitterly. "You don´t know half of it. And what about our mother?"

"No, he actually never spoke about her", Elena replied.

"Well, then I´ll tell you. My mother was a beautiful woman, strong, fair and she had the courage to stand up against our father. Until her death, our family was happy. She treated both of us, Stefan and me, with the same love."

She saw in his eyes, that he was happy when he spoke about her. His eyes were full of light about his memories. But then, she saw sadness, covering his face.

"As you may know, I was four when Stefan was born. My mother had no problems during the birth and she and Stefan were both healthy. My father was grateful to have another son. Until then … we were happy."

He took a gulp from his glass before he continued.

"But two years later, everything went wrong. Stefan was two and I was six. My mother had to visit another town, many miles away from Mystic Falls. My father wanted to come with her, but Stefan was too young to be taken with her, so I said, I would go with her. You may know that travels back then, were a torture. Endless days we spent in the carriage. It was often really cold and we had to drive for a week until we arrived at the other town."

"Everything was alright and we stayed there for about two weeks. But then we had to drive home and it was near December. During our drive my mother had wrapped me and herself in a blanket. Even though it was snowing very strong, I wasn´t afraid. My mother held me and told me some stories."

Elena saw a smile coming over his face. She never thought, about Damon´s and Stefan´s past before Katherine. Stefan never talked about it and so she thought, they had a normal childhood.

"Anyway, when we arrived at home, my mother had caught a cold. But we were sure, it wouldn´t last long. But over the next few weeks, her condition got worse and worse. We were all very worried about her. My father started drinking and I had to take care of Stefan. About a month after our trip she died."

She saw a tear running down his cheek, but Elena said nothing. He was so vulnerable at that moment, so she just took his hand into hers and squeezed it lightly. Elena was sure, he hadn´t been talking about his mother very often.

"Well, don´t feel sorry right now. That's not the worst part. After her dead, Stefan and I didn't see our father for over a week. After the funeral, our nanny laid Stefan and me to bed. But then, she came back and told me, that my father wanted to see me."

Elena got a bad feeling about, what he was going to tell her. It said enough about a father, who shot both of his sons, because they fell in love with a vampire.

"I went inside the living room and saw my father. He had a bottle of whiskey in his hands, deep rings under his eyes and he smelt just like a whiskey bottle. I asked him, what he wanted from me, but he didn´t response, he just turned to me and walked towards me. 'You´re the reason she´s dead', that´s what he said nothing else. I started to cry but he walked further and started to beat me."

Elena frightened. She never understood how people were able to beat their own children. But also, that his father blamed him for his mother´s dead.

"Damon, it wasn´t your fault …"

"Let me keep telling please, it´s hard enough to tell you that. Anyway, that night, was the night, he started with regular beating. Nearly every day he told me to come to the living room, while Stefan was sleeping. And every day he did the same thing. He told me, I was the one who was responsible for her death and then he beat me."

"Sometimes, I just got a blue eye and some scratches and sometimes, my nanny had to get a doctor. Every time he had the same excuse, which was that I fell from the stairs. No one believed him, but in that time my father was a powerful man and no one had the courage to do something."

"Well, that went on over the years. Also, he began to put Stefan and everything else over me. Stefan got presents and birthday parties, I didn´t. My father listened to him, he didn´t to me. He cheered him up and was there for him, but not for me. But the most horrible thing happened when I was eleven. It was the fifth year, in which my mother was dead. I got used to the beats and my nanny always tried to help me a bit afterwards. So, that night it was like every time. Like usually he said, I was the reason, she´s dead and then …"

He stopped talking and looked at the floor. Elena knew that it would be hard for him to tell that and she felt so sorry for him. With every word, she began to hate his father more and more. How could someone do that to his own child?

"Then … you need to know, I got used to that words as I got used to the beats. Every time it happened a part of me still broke, but then yeah … I remember it pretty clear. After the fourth or fifth beat I thought it was over but then he said 'You are not my son, I just have one son and that´s Stefan. I wish you would´ve died instead of her. You are the reason our family broke apart and you´ll never be loved. Never first and never loved. Just go to hell'. Over the years, the beats never stopped. He wasn´t able to hurt me anymore when I grew up, but he continued with those things. And well when Katherine came in town, he didn´t stop either. It stopped just the moment, he was dead. Never first never loved, I guess he was right."

That was where those words came from. Elena noticed that she had started to cry. She did the one thing, which came through her mind. She stood up, pulled Damon to his feed and hugged him tightly. S she knew she had to say something. Tell him how wrong he was and that it was none of his fault.

"Damon, your father was so wrong. It was not your fault that your mother died, not at all. You couldn´t have done anything. And that your father said those words to you, they were so wrong too. Listen your mother loved you and she still does even If she´s just in your heart. And you need to know, that you´ll always be loved. … Even if I hadn´t seen it first. Your love is not a problem. It is a gift and maybe you weren´t the first, but you were always loved. I´ve always loved you."

Damon looked up from the floor and straight into Elena´s eyes. She saw guilt, sadness but also happiness and surprise. She laid one hand onto his cheeks and kissed him softly.

"I love you Damon, and I always will…"


End file.
